Much Ado About Nothing Read online

  That’s proof of the power of rumours, in case anyone ever doubted it. Someone will say something is true and it doesn’t even have to be on TV or posted on YouTube for everyone to believe it.

  Act Five

  Dirty Tricks Exposé

  It was the high-speed romance to end all romances, between a soccer ace and the glam heiress to a multi-million dollar fortune, derailed by a dirty-tricks merchant motivated by spite. You couldn’t make it up!

  But now the public displays of affection between Claudio and Hero have turned sour. Cancel the wedding reception, and bring in the relationship counsellors to sort out the biggest romantic train wreck in living memory. And do it before Benedick finds himself in even deeper trouble!

  We’re back at the villa and Antonio is dishing out unasked-for advice.

  ‘The stress will kill you if you go on like this,’ he tells his brother.

  ‘How can you know how I’m feeling unless you’ve been through it yourself?’ Leonato groans. ‘Show me the father that doted on his daughter and had that daughter betray his love. If he can stay calm, then I might listen to his advice. But there’s no such man. People only counsel patience until they’re faced with the same experience themselves, then feelings take hold and push them over the edge.’

  Antonio tells him not to be childish.

  Leonato says he’s only human. ‘Even high-minded philosophers complain when they get toothache.’

  ‘So try to turn this rage against Claudio,’ Antonio advises, and Leonato jumps at the opportunity the moment Pedro and Claudio show up.

  They try to brush Leonato aside, pretending they’re in a hurry, which is not a good move under the circumstances.

  ‘You’re a cheat!’ Leonato yells at Claudio, who looks ready for an argument. ‘And I’m not scared of you. I’m telling you face to face that you wronged my innocent daughter and I’m challenging you to a fight, in spite of my age. I’ll say it again – you lied about Hero and the shame of it killed her. You are to blame!’

  ‘Me?’ Claudio stammers.

  ‘Yes, you!’

  ‘You’re wrong,’ Pedro says.

  ‘Let me prove it,’ the old man begs.

  Claudio tries to leave again. Leonato won’t let him and soon Antonio is in on the act.

  ‘Come on then, boy!’ he taunts, jabbing his finger at Claudio’s chest. ‘God knows, I loved my niece, and you slandered her and killed her. Boys, arrogant apes, bigheads, ruffians, cowards!’ He doesn’t stop ranting, not even for Leonato to chip in. ‘No, I’ve got their measure. They’re nothing but brash, lying, law-breaking, nasty yobs mouthing off about how tough they are!’

  Pedro eventually puts a stop to it. ‘I’m truly sorry about what’s happened to Hero,’ he tells Leonato. ‘But I swear that Claudio was telling the truth.’ He refuses to hear any more protests and turns his back on the elderly brothers, who storm off.

  Pedro and Claudio are laughing about it when Benedick comes in.

  ‘We nearly had our noses bitten off by two toothless old men!’ Claudio cries.

  (He’s not exactly Mr Sensitive on this occasion.)

  For once, Benedick doesn’t see the funny side. ‘Actually I was looking for you two,’ he tells them.

  ‘Likewise,’ Claudio says. ‘We hoped you’d cheer us up.’ Then he pesters Ben with some lame puns.

  Benedick is not in the mood for that. He’s so riled, he pulls Claudio to one side. ‘You’re a villain. Yes, I’m serious! And I challenge you to a fight. You’ve killed a sweet girl and now it’s payback time.’

  Claudio still thinks he’s messing around, and Pedro doesn’t get it, either. He starts teasing Ben about Beatrice, how she said that whenever he opened his mouth he was fake, but even so, she admitted she was smitten.

  ‘When will you bite the bullet and marry her?’ the two shallow idiots want to know. Right now, my opinion of them has slid to an all-time low.

  ‘I’m out of here,’ Benedick mutters. ‘I’ll leave you two to your feeble sense of humour. Pedro, we’ve been good mates, but no more. By the way, have you heard John’s vanished? Between the three of you, an innocent girl has been killed. As for you, kid – get ready for a fight.’

  Before Claudio can reply, Benedick dashes off, leaving them dumbfounded and blaming Beatrice for his weird behaviour.

  (Question: When is it ever Pedro and Claudio’s fault? Answer: Never.)

  Now along comes Leonato’s tip-top security team with Conrade and Borachio in handcuffs. Dogberry is ‘in charge’. He says they’ve ‘misapprehended’ the pair for dishonesty, but he has to say it in half a dozen different ways.

  ‘The law is an ass,’ he says.

  And if you ask me, Dogberry’s the living proof!

  ‘What exactly are you accusing them of?’ Pedro asks. He realises he won’t get a sensible answer out of Dogberry, so he turns to Borachio, who comes over all guilty and confessional.

  ‘I tricked you,’ he admits. ‘And these lamebrain security guards found out.’ He goes on to explain John’s con trick involving him and Margaret and then he breaks down. ‘Hero died because of our false accusation!’ he cries. ‘And I’m ready to take my punishment.’

  The truth has made Pedro’s blood run cold. Claudio says it’s like drinking poison. They double-check that it really was John’s idea.

  Claudio does one of his extreme U-turns. He raises his eyes heavenwards. ‘Hero, now I see you as you really were – the girl I truly loved!’

  It’s time for Leonato to stumble back in, having been told the latest development by one of the security team. ‘Which one of you is the villain?’ he yells at Conrade and Borachio. Then he turns his sarcasm on Claudio and Pedro. ‘Who killed Hero with his lies? You two, plus John. Good on you – I hope you’re feeling proud!’

  Claudio hangs his head. ‘Do whatever you like, but believe me – I was genuinely mistaken.’

  ‘Likewise,’ Pedro says. ‘And I’m ready to take my medicine, too.’

  Leonato is determined to squeeze every drop of blood out of the situation. ‘I can’t bring Hero back to life, but I want you to put out a press release saying she was innocent. And I want you to write an epitaph for her grave. Then come to my house tomorrow morning. You may never be my son-in-law, Claudio, but instead I order you to marry a girl who is almost Hero’s double – one of my nieces. If you do this, I’ll be satisfied.’

  ‘I’ll do whatever you want,’ Claudio sobs.

  While Dogberry and his goons haul Borachio and Conrade off to jail, Leonato makes Claudio promise to go through with the new plan.

  Surprise, surprise, viewers – there’s going to be a wedding after all!

  Back on the terrace with the stunning sea view, we find Ben ordering Margaret to fetch Beatrice. She runs off with the message and meanwhile he tries his hand at penning a love song. It’s clear from the start that he’s no Elton John.

  Luckily for us, Bea arrives to find out the latest news on Claudio.

  ‘We’ve exchanged insults,’ Benedick reports.

  ‘If that’s all you’ve done, I’m leaving,’ says the girl for whom the term ‘high maintenance’ was invented.

  ‘No – stay. I threw down a challenge and am waiting to hear his reaction.’ Benedick smiles and tries to lighten the mood. ‘Now, tell me, Bea – for which of my bad parts did you fall in love with me?’

  ‘All of them!’ she says. ‘For which of my good parts did you fall in love with me?’

  They joke a bit more, trying to take their minds off the problem in hand. ‘At least life with you will never be boring,’ he tells her. Then he asks how Hero is.

  ‘She’s not doing well, and neither am I,’ Beatrice admits. You do get these glimpses of truth from her sometimes.

  ‘Let my love make you better,’ he whispers, moving in for a cuddle.

  But the sweet talk is cut short by a message from Ursula.

  ‘The whole place is in chaos,’ she tells them. ‘It’s been proved that Hero is
innocent and that John tricked Pedro and Claudio into believing her crime. Come quickly!’

  The sun has sunk over the horizon, it’s the dead of night, I’m here all alone with my hand-held camera and Pedro and Claudio have come to Hero’s grave carrying candles. Claudio reads a poem praising Hero, then there’s music and a song, all very sad and solemn.

  ‘Blow out the candles,’ Pedro orders. ‘It’s almost dawn. Time to go to the villa for your wedding to Leonato’s niece.’

  Daylight and everyone’s here at the villa – Leonato, Antonio, Benedick, Beatrice, Margaret, Ursula, the priest and Hero.

  Antonio says out loud what everyone’s thinking: ‘I’m glad it’s all turned out OK.’

  (In other words, it’s been much ado about nothing. So, viewers, stop taking things so seriously, sit back and relax.)

  The girls go off into an inner room while Leonato finalises the plans. Benedick reckons this is the moment to seize his chance.

  ‘You realise that Beatrice and I are in love?’ he asks Leonato. ‘So how would it be if she and I got married today?’

  ‘Fine,’ Leonato agrees – a spur of the moment decision, just like that.

  Benedick puts in his request in the nick of time, because now Pedro and Claudio are knocking at the door.

  Then it’s all hustle and bustle to get the girls back in the room, their faces hidden behind veils. Leonato quickly lines Claudio up in front of the priest, alongside Hero-in-a-veil. ‘Are you ready to marry my niece?’ he checks.

  ‘I’m ready!’ Claudio vows. He takes the girl’s hand, clears his throat and makes his announcement. ‘I swear in front of the priest, I’ll be your husband, if you’ll have me.’

  Hero doesn’t keep him in suspense. She lifts her veil. ‘When I lived, I was your other wife,’ she says. ‘And you were my other husband!’

  Ta da! Claudio and Pedro go into one of their speechless spasms. Leonato is rushing everyone off to church when Benedick steps forward to steal the show.

  ‘Where’s Beatrice?’ he demands.

  She lifts her veil. ‘Here I am.’

  BENEDICK: Do you love me?

  BEATRICE: No more than reason.

  BENEDICK: Then you fooled Claudio and Pedro. They swore you did.

  BEATRICE: Do you love me?

  BENEDICK: No more than reason.

  BEATRICE: Then you fooled Hero. She swore you did.

  BENEDICK (obviously enjoying every moment of this): They swore you were sick with love!

  BEATRICE: She swore you were almost dead with love!

  BENEDICK: Not true. So you don’t love me?

  BEATRICE: No. Only as a friend.

  It’s time for Leonato to break it up. ‘Oh, Beatrice, I’m sure you do love him.’

  ‘And he loves her,’ Claudio insists, fishing a piece of paper out of his pocket. ‘Look, he wrote a poem to prove it.’

  ‘And here’s one from her to him.’ Hero produces another scrap of paper.

  Benedick sees that it’s game over. ‘Magic – here’s proof in our very own handwriting! OK, Beatrice, I will have you – but only out of pity!’

  ‘And I’ll say yes, too,’ she mutters. ‘But only after lots of persuasion and to save your life.’

  ‘Quiet!’ Ben murmurs, and he kisses her on the lips. Silence at last, and it’s golden.

  Ah! The image will get a million hits when we put it on the net.

  ‘So, Benedick, how does it feel to be a married man?’ Pedro asks.

  ‘I’m on top of the world!’ Benedick grins from ear to ear. ‘I don’t care what people think. We’re all the same – we say one thing, then do another, and that’s a fact.’ Then he tells Claudio that he’s not planning to fight him to the death after all, skimming over the news that John has been arrested and brought back to Messina. ‘We’ll think about that tomorrow. And you, Pedro,’ he says with a wink, ‘you need to find yourself a wife!’

  Cue music and dancing. There’s no designer dress this time, and very few A-list guests, but Lite Entertainment still captures the partying on camera. This is Claudia Ricci signing off, with the news that we got our big fat wedding exclusive after all.

  About the Author

  Jenny Oldfield was born in Yorkshire and now lives there again after a spell in the Midlands, where she read English at Birmingham University.

  First published at the age of 24, she has had her Home Farm Twins series adapted for BBC television, and has written more than 100 books for adults and children. Her work, including Horses of Half Moon Ranch, is available in the UK and America, plus translations into many European languages.

  While seeking to update Much Ado About Nothing, Jenny tuned into World Cup fever in the run-up to the 2010 event in South Africa. The glamour and gossip surrounding international footballers and their wives and girlfriends seemed exactly right for Shakespeare’s fluffy, frivolous rom-com.

  This electronic edition published 2011 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

  Text copyright © 2011 Jenny Oldfield

  Illustrations copyright © 2011 Serena Curmi

  First published 2008 by

  A & C Black

  Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

  50 Bedford Square, London, WC1B 3DP

  www.acblack.com

  The rights of Jenny Oldfield and Serena Curmi to be identified as author and illustrator of this work respectively have been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyrights, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  eISBN 9781408153550

  A CIP catalogue for this book is available from the British Library.

  Visit www.acblack.com to find out more about our authors and their books You will find extracts, author interviews, author events and you can sign up for newsletters to be the first to hear about our latest releases and special offers

  SHAKESPEARE TODAY

  SHAKESPEARE TODAY

  SHAKESPEARE TODAY

  SHAKESPEARE TODAY