Much Ado About Nothing Read online

  URSULA: Why not risk it and tell her anyway?

  HERO: No, I’ve got a better idea. I’ll find Benedick and persuade him to forget all about her. I’ll invent a nasty rumour to ruin her reputation.

  URSULA: Oh, that’s mean! But surely Bea’s clever enough to see Benedick’s good points. In fact, to tell you the truth, Hero, and don’t take offence – I rate Benedick higher than your husband-to-be! Talking of which, can I get a sneak preview of your wedding dress?

  HERO: It’s in my closet. Come and see.

  Job done. The girls have sprung the trap and go off arm in arm. Beatrice creeps out in total shock.

  ‘My ears are burning. It can’t be true! Am I really that conceited? Well, that’s all about to change. And, Benedick, carry on loving me and I’ll love you back! I’m even ready to go shopping for a ring, because the fact is, if they say you deserve me, I’m totally ready to believe it!’

  As you can see, things are moving fast. I’m roaming the villa with my Lite crew, picking up the next scrap of scandal when we come across Pedro chatting with Benedick, Claudio and Leonato in the hot tub.

  ‘As soon as you’ve tied the knot, I have to leave,’ Pedro tells Claudio. ‘I’ve got a meeting in Aragon with the head of the Italian football league. Ben, do you wanna come along to keep me company? You’re still fancy-free, I take it?’

  ‘Er, not totally,’ Benedick mumbles.

  Pedro gives him a long, meaningful look. ‘Hmm, now I think about it, you do look a bit more serious than usual.’

  ‘Maybe he’s in lurve!’ Claudio crows. Nudge nudge, wink wink!

  ‘Never!’ Pedro gasps. ‘He’s lost money on the horses, that’s all.’

  ‘I’ve got toothache.’ Benedick gives the worst excuse ever.

  The others carry on ribbing him something rotten.

  ‘Yeah, go ahead and laugh,’ Ben says. ‘It’s different when you’re the one in pain.’

  Claudio is like a dog at a bone. ‘Definitely in lurve!’ he laughs.

  Pedro sets off another chain of quick-fire banter. ‘He doesn’t look like a man in love.’

  ‘Yeah, he does. He’s begun to care about the way he dresses for a start.’

  ‘Has he restyled his hair?’

  ‘He’s had a shave!’

  ‘That does make him look younger,’ Leonato cuts in.

  Pedro nods. ‘And he’s wearing aftershave. You can smell it a mile off.’

  ‘Oh well, that’s all the proof you need. You’re right, he’s definitely in love.’

  ‘Plus, he’s gone all moody on us.’

  Claudio grins and gives Benedick a shove. ‘So, who’s the lucky lady?’

  ‘It’s got to be someone who doesn’t know him and his moods,’ Pedro says.

  Benedick can’t take any more. He gets out of the hot tub, wraps a towel round his waist and asks Leonato to follow him into the house.

  ‘Did you hear that, Leonato?’ Pedro chuckles. ‘I’d bet a lot of money that your niece, Beatrice, is in the frame here!’

  Leonato nods and smiles as he goes after Ben.

  It’s all turning out well for the lads until John turns up to spoil their fun. The atmosphere always changes when this creep is around, like a shadow coming over the sun.

  He says he needs a quick word with Pedro and Claudio. ‘About your wedding,’ he explains to our soccer hero.

  Claudio doesn’t seem bothered. He tells John to fire away.

  Deep breath from the creep, then he begins. ‘I know you don’t think of me as a mate, Claudio, and I know you’ve used my brother to help set things up between you and Hero, but I’m here to tell you that the girl is both a cheat and a liar!’

  ‘Who, Hero?’ Claudio whispers.

  ‘Yes, Hero!’ John’s stare is intense. ‘It’s worse than you think, and if you meet me tonight under her bedroom window, I’ll prove it. Remember, this is the night before your wedding. If you still love her after what I have to show you, then go ahead and marry her. But personally, I’d advise against it.’

  ‘Can it be true?’ the gullible kid asks.

  Pedro says it’s impossible.

  ‘Just let me show you!’ John urges.

  ‘OK, and if it’s true, I’ll shame her in front of everyone in the church,’ Claudio decides a tad hastily.

  Pedro backs him up. He’s also a bit hot-headed, you have to admit.

  John’s happy. ‘Don’t say a word until tonight,’ he warns. This new plan is working well for him and he allows himself a bitter, twisted smile.

  It’s dark now – the time for John’s cunning little plan – and things are really, really hotting up. The booze is flowing freely when Leonato’s security team shows up for tomorrow’s big event. As ever, we keep our cameras rolling.

  The security guys are losers beyond belief. There’s a fat dummy called Dogberry in charge. He mangles his words and is as thick as two short planks! And the others don’t have a brain cell between them, either.

  Dogberry stations a couple of bouncers here in the front courtyard and takes the others round the back of the villa. It’s not long before Borachio and Conrade roll through the main door dead drunk. It turns out the alcohol has loosened Borachio’s tongue. He’s boasting about his big bonus and gives Conrade the lowdown on how he managed to talk Margaret into impersonating Hero so that he could con Claudio into believing he’s got engaged to a underhand, dirty love-cheat.

  ‘It’s a good job it was pitch black,’ Borachio laughs. ‘The trick worked perfectly. Now the kid is all set to get his revenge tomorrow!’

  But the security guards have heard everything. They step out from the shadows and not so much pounce, as drown the villains in an avalanche of angry words. It’s an arrest like you’d never believe.

  Next morning and we’re up with the lark. Your roving Lite reporter has gained exclusive access to the bride-to-be, who has developed bad pre-wedding jitters. Margaret is struggling to do Hero’s hair and get her into her dress when Beatrice turns up. The bride’s cousin isn’t exactly entering into the spirit of things, either.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Hero asks.

  ‘I’m not feeling very well,’ Bea sighs.

  ‘Maybe you could ask Benedick to give you some medicine!’ Margaret sniggers.

  Bea turns on her. ‘What do you mean, “medicine”?’ she demands.

  ‘Nothing!’ says Margaret. ‘I’m not implying you’re in love with him or anything like that. We all know that would be too incredible for words. All I’m saying is he was just like you once, and look how he’s changed.’

  The conversation is suddenly cut short by Ursula dashing in to tell them that Pedro and Benedick are waiting to take Hero to the church. There’s a frantic rush to zip Hero into her dress and run the straighteners through her hair one final time.

  Let’s move to the terrace, where Leonato is trying, and failing, to grasp what Dogberry is rambling on about.

  ‘Can’t you see I’m busy?’ he snaps. ‘Get to the point.’

  ‘Sir, we’ve misapprehended two villains,’ Dogberry explains. ‘Now we need you to cross-quiz them.’

  ‘Question them yourselves,’ Leonato says as the limo turns up. ‘I’ve got to get to my daughter’s wedding!’

  ‘Yes, sir.’ Dogberry is happy to oblige. ‘We’ll begin the cross-quizzification right away!’

  Act Four

  Cup Winners’ Wedding Fiasco

  This is it – the most talked about wedding in years! It’s today that AC Messina’s star striker is tying the knot, and the lucky girl is due to arrive in church any time now. Our fashion reporter has had a sneak preview and tells us that the bride’s necklace (old and belonging to her grandmother) is diamonds, her dress (new) is by Vera Wang, the shoes (borrowed from Beatrice) are Laboutin and the stone in her spectacular ring is a sparkling sapphire (blue).

  Claudio and Hero’s best boy band ‘Urban Crew’ play the couple’s favourite tune as the wedding party arrives. Big-name guests include team c
oach Don Pedro and his brother John. Club owner Leonato Ianucci leads his beautiful daughter down the aisle. They stand beside a nervous groom and his best man, the jewel in Messina’s defence line-up, Benedick. Hero’s cousin, Beatrice, does the honours as chief bridesmaid.

  Leonato reaches the flower-decked altar. He hands Hero over to her groom and orders the priest to begin. It’s all going very well so far.

  ‘Claudio, have you come here to marry this woman?’ the priest asks.

  ‘No,’ Claudio says.

  Somebody in the congregation coughs and shuffles.

  ‘To be married to her.’ Leonato puts the priest straight.

  The priest turns to Hero. ‘Have you come here to be married to this man?’

  ‘I have,’ Hero says.

  ‘If any here present know of any just impediment why these two may not be joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace,’ the priest goes on.

  Claudio turns to Hero. ‘Do you know any?’

  ‘None,’ she replies.

  ‘And do you know any?’ the priest asks the groom.

  Leonato jumps in. ‘I dare answer for him – “None”.’

  At which, Claudio explodes. ‘What men dare do! What men may do! What men do every day without knowing what they do!’

  At first, Benedick is stunned like everyone else, then he tries to laugh it off.

  Claudio ignores him and challenges Leonato. ‘So, you give her to me freely?’

  The old man says, yes, he does. His own hand is shaking as he places Hero’s hand in Claudio’s.

  Claudio flings it back at him. ‘Have her! She’s rotten fruit that only looks fresh on the outside. OK, so she’s colouring up, but don’t be fooled – Hero’s no virgin bride! I’m telling you, she’s already slept with a man – all that blushing proves she’s guilty!’

  The church is in uproar! Guests are out of their seats, spilling into the aisle. They push and shove, reaching for their mobile phones. Through it all my camera crew keep filming.

  Zoom in on Leonato – totally confused.

  Move to Claudio – boiling with anger. ‘She slept with a man and it wasn’t me! Oh yes, she had me fooled – I worshipped her. But it turns out that she’s a real slapper!’

  Zoom to Hero – almost fainting in shock. ‘No, you couldn’t be more wrong!’ she whispers.

  But Pedro backs Claudio and says he regrets the part he played in getting them to the altar, since it’s plain to everyone that Hero is a cheat.

  We’re all speechless. Benedick groans that this isn’t looking much like a wedding. He tries to hold Claudio back, but the kid has totally lost it.

  ‘OK, here’s the big test,’ he tells Hero. ‘I have one question and you have to give me a straight answer.’

  Hero manages to stammer that she’s done nothing wrong.

  ‘So answer me this. Who was the man you were talking to outside your bedroom window just after midnight last night?’

  Hero answers without a pause. ‘I didn’t talk with any man last night.’

  ‘This proves your guilt,’ Pedro mutters. He tells Leonato that he, John and Claudio hid in the courtyard and saw it with their own eyes. ‘The guy, Borachio, confessed. He says they’ve had thousands of secret trysts.’

  Creepy John comes in with his fifty-cents worth: ‘What Hero has done is too terrible even to describe!’

  And Claudio sets the seal on things. ‘If you were only half as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside, our life would have been perfect,’ he tells Hero. ‘But I’m walking away from a cheat and a liar. I’m turning my back on love!’

  Hero gasps, puts both hands to her cheeks, turns to her dad for help, then faints clean away. Beatrice kneels down beside her. John grabs Pedro and Claudio and drags them out of the church. End of fairytale wedding. Start of huge headlines – Bride of the Year Ditched at the Altar!

  Benedick kneels down beside Beatrice. ‘How is she?’

  ‘I think she’s dead!’ Beatrice cries.

  Leonato is out of his mind with shock. ‘Better dead than live a life of shame.’

  Beatrice tries to revive her cousin. ‘Hero, wake up!’ she pleads.

  ‘No!’ Leonato shoves everyone away. ‘The humiliation is too much to bear. Hero, you couldn’t even deny it. Don’t live, don’t wake up, because if you do, I’ll kill you myself for shame. I used to regret that I only had one child. Now I see you were one too many! I should have adopted a baby off the street so that I could disown it at a time like this. But you were mine and I loved you and praised you, was proud of you, put you above all else. And now you’ve fallen, you’re so soiled and dirty that you can never be clean and pure again!’

  This ranting reaction from the old man is not pretty and Benedick is doing his best to calm him down.

  ‘This is a lie!’ Beatrice says, jumping to her feet.

  Benedick takes her by the hand. ‘How do you know? Were you with Hero last night?’

  ‘No.’ Beatrice can’t give her cousin an alibi and this sets Leonato off again.

  ‘See, she’s guilty! John and Pedro wouldn’t lie. Claudio wouldn’t lie. It broke his heart to stand here and tell everyone. Stay away from her – let her die!’

  Seeing that Hero is starting to open her eyes, the priest steps in and takes control. ‘Listen – I watched Hero carefully through all of this and I believe she’s innocent. In fact, I’d stake my life and reputation on it. Hero, what’s the name of the man you were allegedly with?’

  The bride’s come round enough to whisper her answer. ‘Ask Claudio. I have no idea. I swear on my life that I never slept with a man, and if my father can prove me wrong, then he can disown me and wish me dead!’

  ‘So the men were mistaken,’ the priest says firmly.

  Amongst all the confusion, Benedick has started to get his head around some basic facts. ‘I haven’t known Pedro and Claudio that long, but we’re AC Messina, we’re like blood brothers, and I know they would never plan anything this nasty without believing it was true. Which leaves John firmly in the frame as the villain of the piece.’

  ‘If I find he’s behind this, I’ll get my revenge if it’s the last thing I do!’ Leonato swings from one extreme to the other.

  Then the priest comes in again with a plan. ‘Claudio and the others left here believing Hero was dead. Let them carry on thinking that. Everyone can go into mourning, you arrange a funeral, and so on. Soon, they’ll start to feel sorry she’s dead. That’s what happens – we start to miss the things we’ve lost. So Claudio will remember how happy he was with Hero and he’ll regret making this accusation, even if he still thinks it’s true. It won’t be long until the scandal has faded from people’s minds and even though we may never prove Hero’s innocence, the public will forget the bad bits and remember the good. After that, Hero will be able to live quietly out of the public eye without any danger that the gossip columnists and scandalmongers will come knocking on her door.’

  Whoa, they’re talking about me! I’m listening to this attack on the press, the cameras are still rolling and privately I’m not thinking too much of the priest’s stupid plan. But who would listen to me, a mere reporter working for Lite Entertainment?

  For some reason, Benedick backs the priest. ‘I promise not to spill the beans to Pedro and Claudio,’ he says.

  And that’s it – they carry off Hero to a secret hiding place, leaving Benedick and Beatrice alone in the church.

  ‘Are you crying?’ he asks gently.

  ‘Yes, I can’t help it.’

  ‘I’m convinced someone has it in for Hero.’ Benedick seems genuinely upset and concerned.

  Beatrice takes a deep breath. ‘You wouldn’t believe how grateful I’d be to the person who could prove that.’

  Benedick waits a while. He leans forward and almost kisses Beatrice, but stops himself just in time. ‘I love you more than anything in the world. Isn’t that weird?’

  Now it’s her turn to lean in towards him. ‘As weird
as the way I feel about you, Ben. I could swear I love you, but I can’t admit it and I can’t deny it. All I know is that I feel sorry for Hero!’

  ‘I swear you love me and I love you!’

  Beatrice holds her breath. ‘I do – I love you with all my heart!’

  They stare into each others’ eyes and the world stands still.

  ‘I’d do anything for you,’ he whispers.

  ‘Kill Claudio!’

  ‘Never!’

  ‘Then you don’t really love me, so goodbye. Let me go!’ And with that she runs down the aisle.

  ‘Beatrice!’ Benedick runs after her and grabs her by the arm.

  ‘Look what Claudio’s done!’ she cries. ‘He’s wrecked my cousin’s life. He’s shamed her in front of everyone. I tell you – if I were a man, I’d kill him!’

  ‘Beatrice!’

  ‘What kind of a guy does what Claudio did? Why don’t I have a friend who’s man enough to stand up to him? Guys these days are soft and shallow. They say things they don’t mean. Let me go away into a corner and cry!’

  Benedick holds onto her. ‘Stay. I swear I do love you.’

  ‘Prove it,’ demands Beatrice. She doesn’t back down an inch.

  ‘You honestly think Claudio is to blame?’

  ‘From the bottom of my heart.’

  ‘And I believe you. I’ll confront him, kill him if need be. Think of me and what you’ve asked me to do when I leave, Beatrice. Now go and help Hero.’

  He finally lets her go and stands in the church doorway staring up at the sky. He’s sworn he’ll kill his beloved team-mate as she wanted. How did it come to this, he might well ask.

  Now listen up – Bruno, one of our production team, has just come from the villa with news of what’s happening with Conrade and Borachio. The security guards arrested them for being drunk and disorderly, remember? Anyway, Bruno says that the fat ass, Dogberry, cross-examined them and eventually found out that John paid Borachio to frame Hero and fool Claudio into believing she was cheating on him. Well, we know how that worked out here in the church. When John heard the news about Hero being dead, he jumped in his car and drove straight out of town.